Muses O' Doom
by Shiruba Neko
Summary: Being muses to a teenage writer is much more difficult than it would seem. Just ask Scar and Envy; they were just hired for the very job. -only vaguely AU-
1. You're Hired

**_Disclaimer:_**_ I'm only going to write this once, so pay attention. I DON'T OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST! However, I do own Ieva, Ieva's Writing Studio, Muse!Scar, and Muse!Envy.

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**Muses O' Doom**

_Episode 01: You're Hired

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Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Our tale begins in an abandoned back alley in Central, where there was an old, rusty metal door on which hung a dirty cardboard sign with the words 'Ieva's Writing Studio' written in black sharpie across it. A small notice taped to the door below the sign read 'HELP WANTED'. Beyond the door was a small, dusty room lit only by a few cheap lamps. In the far right corner there was scrunched a rumpled sleeping bag with a beat-up alarm clock on the floor next to it. In the closer right hand corner was a sooty camping stove surrounded by several boxes full of ramen, tuna, crackers, tea, and pocky. On the opposite wall there sat a forlorn looking desk covered in paper, pencils, and a softly humming laptop (seemingly the only well-cared-for object in the entire room). Behind the desk sat a teenaged girl with short, silverish hair and pointed ears, wearing simply a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt, as well as a white rock on a string around her neck. Her head was down and she was drooling slightly; it appeared that she had fallen asleep while typing. A look at her laptop revealed exactly what she had been typing: "fjkdlsjflks why can't I think of anything to write". Yes, Ieva was in dire need of assistance, for she was a writer…without a muse. She had been without one for quite some time, and thus her imagination had degenerated to the point that it was currently in, which was a dusty little room in a back alley in Central. However, luck was on her side this day, as she would soon find herself with not only one, but two muses.

* * *

Scar was walking around aimlessly, as he did whenever he was not actively seeking out State Alchemists to kill. For some reason, he just did not feel like it today. It might have been the dull weather, it might have been the strangely subdued atmosphere of Central that day, but he just felt incredibly apathetic. Perhaps it was fate, or maybe sheer dumb luck on Ieva's part, but Scar found himself in front of a rusty door with a cardboard sign reading 'Ieva's Writing Studio'. It was then, that with a boredom-driven curiosity (and more dumb luck for Ieva), he found himself opening the door and looking in at the sad surroundings.

The loud creak of the opening door woke Ieva from her sleep, and she lifted her head slowly, eyes half closed, "Huh? Whozzair?" she yawned and rubbed her eyes before looking up again. Upon seeing whose head was inside her studio, her eyes bugged out and all ability to speak anything but nonsense left her, "Snerlajfig! Greinsbfkls! Yfniesbe!" she regained her train of thought, rose unsteadily to her feet, and gave a respectful bow, "Welcome to my studio, Scar-san. What have I done to deserve this honor?"

Scar blinked; this was very strange. He said the first thing that came to mind, "Studio?"

Ieva sighed, "Not really. Not right now. My muse quit and moved to the tropics. Say…you'd make a great muse! Wanna job?"

Later, Scar wouldn't be able to figure out why he had agreed. The reason he came up with was that he had been caught off guard, that the combination of apathy, boredom, and Ieva's giant puppy eyes had thrown him off. But whatever the reason, he said yes. And thus, Ieva found her first muse.

* * *

Envy tore through the streets, cursing Dante and the fact that Hughes had so many fangirls with every stride he took. It wasn't _his_ fault! He had been following Dante's orders! Not that the crazed fangirls of the late Maes Hughes had paid any attention when he tried to tell them. Now he was sprinting through the streets, a massive horde of wild-eyed girls screaming for his blood close behind him. Far too close for comfort. For the first time in a long time, Envy was absolutely terrified; he was in such a panic that he didn't even think of shapeshifting. Although, who could blame the poor Homunculus? Anyone would lose their focus when being chased by over hundred psychotic girls, all screaming 'KILL ENVY!'.

In a last ditch effort, he turned his head and shouted back at them, "I was under orders! Don't shoot the messenger!"

"KILL ENVY!" If anything, he had just made them even more psychotic.

With a strangled 'eep' sound as he realized that they were actually gaining, he rocketed around a corner and into one of the many mazes of alleyways scattered about Central. Unfortunately, the Horde was far too close for this tactic to actually work. Then, he spotted it. A lower brick wall that he might just be able to jump over and get a little farther away. With a mad leap he cleared the wall and kept running with barely a falter, noting with more than a little relief that the Horde seemed to have been temporarily slowed by the sudden obstacle. But he knew it wouldn't hold them for long. He needed somewhere to hide. Now. And then, he saw the door. An old, rusty door with a sign on it. But he didn't pay attention to the sign; all he cared about was whether or not the door was locked. Luckily for him, it wasn't. He practically slammed into it before flinging it open, darting inside, and slamming it shut behind him. He stood there with his eyes closed, listening intently for any sound of the Horde on the other side of the door. He nearly shrieked when a female voice came from right in front of him.

"Envy?"

He opened one eye to see a teenage girl only a foot away. In his current state of panic, he had completely lost all sense of differentiation between friend and foe, and with a cry of, "Don't kill me!" he whirled and opened the door again to flee. However, he found himself face to face with the Horde.

"THERE HE IS! KILL ENVY!"

This time he did shriek, and slammed the door shut again, but found that there was still that girl from before in front of him. And now it felt like the Horde had gotten a battering ram of some sort and was slamming it against the door. It was all too much for the poor Homunculus, and he sprinted from the door behind the only cover he could see, which happened to be Ieva's desk. Of course, with nobody holding the door, it began to open, letting in the screams of the Horde.

Ieva's eyes widened, "Oh, bloody hell. SCAR! HELP!" she threw herself against the door, but she really wasn't very strong, and it continued to slide open. At least, it did until Scar came to the rescue and pushed it closed. "Thank you Scar-san. Now just keep it shut while I lock it."

"Hurry…" came the strained reply; not even Scar would be able to hold out against the Horde for long. Fortunately for them all, Ieva got the door locked quickly, and the two of them moved away from it.

"There. Nobody can get in once I've locked my door, no matter how many battering rams they have. Now…Envy?" Ieva moved slowly towards her desk, behind which hid the incredibly freaked-out Sin.

As soon as he saw her, he gave a sort of strangled squeaking sound and fled to the corner, where he threw his arms over his face, "Don't kill me!"

"I'm not going to kill you, Envy, don't worry…" she stopped as she saw that he couldn't hear a word she said through his panic, and rubbed her temples, "Scar-san, if you would please…?"

"I see," was the reply as the tall Ishbalan easily lifted Envy by the back of his shirt and carried the terrified Homunculus over to Ieva.

She adopted a stern face and poked Envy between his eyes, "Envy, you stop that right now. Nobody is going to kill you. Get a hold of yourself."

"…You're not going to kill me?" Envy sounded almost timid, and Ieva felt a stab of sympathy.

"No, I'm not going to hurt you at all," she tried to sound reassuring, "I know that what happened in Episode 25 wasn't your fault, don't worry."

"…Really? But what about all the…?"

"They can't get in, it's okay."

"Oh. If you're really sure…" Envy glanced nervously at the shaking door.

"Very sure. Scar-san, you can put him down now. Thank you again."

"You're welcome," Scar nodded and placed Envy down. It was a sign of improvement that he remained standing instead of dropping to the floor cowering again. However, he was still very obviously nervous.

"There now, see? Everything will be all right," Ieva had by now unconsciously slipped into her 'Comfort-Frightened-Cat' mode. A few more seconds and she would have begun spouting nonsense words. However, she didn't quite get that far; as she was looking at Envy, she was suddenly struck with a wonderful plot bunny. She was so excited that she began to hop up and down, pointing at Envy.

"OMG! MUSE! ENVY'S A MUSE!" why, she was so excited that she had actually said 'OMG', which never happened when she was in her right mind. However, poor Envy was still rather traumatized, so when Ieva started yelling and pointing and hopping so completely unexpectedly his mind reverted to its panicked state and he fled behind the desk again. Ieva immediately realized her mistake and slapped her forehead, "I am so, _so_ stupid…Envy! I'm sorry! It's okay; I won't kill you, remember?"

Scar was getting thoroughly annoyed with the currently impossible-to-deal-with Sin. He crossed his arms and walked over to lean against the wall, "You might not, but I'm on the verge of it."

Ieva sighed, "Saying things like that isn't going to help the state of his mind any, Scar-san. Anyway, he does look like he'll be a really good muse. I think I'll hire him."

Scar shrugged, "If you think he's worth the time."

"I'm sure he is, when he's not having a nervous breakdown," Ieva walked very slowly over to the desk, careful not to make any sudden movements, "Envy? Are you okay?" At her question, Envy's green mop of hair slowly rose above the desk-line, framing really big, wide eyes. It was so adorable that Ieva had to stop for a moment to mentally restrain herself from squealing and scaring him in to hiding again. "Envy, I want to hire you as my second muse. How does that sound?"

"O...kay…"

"Great!" Ieva exclaimed, clapping her hands together, the sudden loud noise causing Envy to flinch and duck under the desk again. "Oops. Envy, I'm sorry! Come back!"

Scar sighed as he watched Ieva spend the next five minutes attempting to get Envy to come out again. How did he manage to get into these situations?

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_End Episode 01

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**_A/N:_**_ Hooo boy, that was fun. Is poor Envy going to be in shock forever? Maaaaybe…  
__Envy: No.  
__Heeey__, don't ruin my fun…-sticks out tongue- Palm Tree Head.  
__Envy: Crazy nerd.  
__Not-able-to-open-doors…ER!  
__Envy: Oh it is ON!  
__Darn right! I challenge you to a thumb war!  
__Envy: I ACCEPT!  
__Scar: -sarcasm- Such mature people I work with… _


	2. Uh Oh

**_A/N: _**_I did actually write out the contract and put it in the chapter, but you can skip it if you want. It's not that important to the basic understanding of what's going on. I just felt like writing it. Also, there won't be any kind of romance in this story. Not only can I not write it in the first place, but there are only three main characters: I'm not the hugest fan of ScarxEnvy, and me having a romantic involvement with my own imagination is a bit messed up (not to mention the fact that I can't imagine myself in a relationship with either of them; frankly the idea weirds me out. My affection for them is more of a friendly, and in Scar's case respectful, admiration) But there will most certainly be friendly fluff; that, I can write. Thanks if you actually read this whole thing, now enough of my blabbering and on with the chapter!

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**Muses O' Doom**

_Episode 02: Uh Oh

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Ieva dug through the messy piles of paper on her desk while Scar and Envy watched on curiously. Finally, she found what she was looking for: a small piece of paper containing two blocks of text and several lines at the bottom. She displayed it to them triumphantly, "Found it! This is the contract. It says what you guys have to do here in the paragraph at the top, and what I have to do in the paragraph under that one. We all sign down here," she pointed at various points on the page, "Here, you can read it," she held it out, and Scar took it and began to read, with Envy looking over his shoulder. This is what it said.

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CONTRACT OF THE MUSE-NESS

This contract hereby signifies that you are officially Ieva's Muse(s). As such, you are required to do the following: help Ieva with her writing by inspiring her with ideas and such, help Ieva keep her imagination running properly, and do what she tells you (provided that her request is reasonable). You retain the freedom to: go /do wherever/whatever you want in any free time you may have, argue with Ieva as much as you want (provided that it does not get in the way of your duties), play immature pranks on Ieva, and cause Ieva _minimal_ harm (e.g. bonk her on the head). You may not: cause Ieva any sort of bleeding-involved or lasting harm, attempt to sabatoge Ieva's writing, or break Ieva's stuff on purpose.

Ieva, in signing this contract, hereby states that she will do the following three things. One, she will protect you from any sort of danger that stems from your job as her muse should you be unable to protect yourself for whatever reason. Two, she will not cruelly abuse you. Three, she will steadfastly defend you as best she can in any debates concerning you or your actions. Ieva is permitted to: draw you as an adorable chibi, give you friendly hugs when she feels like it (this will probably be often; she likes to hug things), and laugh at you if you do something she finds funny.

* * *

The two of them read it carefully before Scar handed it back to Ieva.

"It seems fair enough."

"Sounds like a good deal to me."

Ieva smiled broadly, "Yay! Now we all sign," she grabbed a pen off the desk and scribbled her signature, and Scar and Envy did the same. She clapped her hands together and Envy flinched, but didn't flee under the desk again, which was an improvement. Once again Ieva smacked herself in the head, "Darnit, I did it _again_! Sorry, Envy…wait. Why is it so quiet all of a sudden?"

"…I think the horde of girls outside have gone…I don't hear any more banging or screaming."

"You're right, they have stopped!" Ieva walked carefully over to the door and put her ear to it, "I don't _hear_ anything out there. Do you think they've given up and left?"

"Really? They've gone?" Envy's voice was hopeful, and he nervously crept over next to Ieva to listen at the door as well, and the two of them held a quiet conversation, "How can we be sure?"

"We could always do what penguins do."

"Which is what, exactly?"

"Shove someone outside to look."

"WHAT?"

"Not you, Envy, don't worry."

"Then who? You?"

"Uhhhh…I don't really want to go either…"

"Coward."

"Oh look who's talking, Mr. Please-Don't-Kill-Me."

Scar sighed again, "You are both arguing like an old married couple."

Ieva and Envy looked at him, then at each other, and leapt away from each other with a loud 'GWAH!' of weirded-out-ness.

"Don't say creepy things like that, Scar-san!" Ieva rubbed her hands against her head vigorously in a frantic attempt to scrub the mental image from her brain.

"No kidding," Envy wore an incredibly silly look of horror mixed with disgust.

"Well, now that I have your attention," as Scar spoke, Ieva swore he had an aura of smugness about him, "I will go out and look."

"Really? Scar-san, that's so sweet of you!" Ieva squealed and threw her arms around him from behind in a friendly hug. Scar stiffened, not really quite sure what to do; Ieva soon realized this and jumped backwards, looking a little embarassed, "Sorry, Scar-san. Maybe I should have warned you, but I do tend to hug people and stuff sometimes. It's kind of a habit."

Envy seemed to be returning to his normal self, because he was snickering at Scar, "Hehehe…the look on your face…"

"Oh, stoppit Envy," Ieva shook her finger at him before turning back to Scar, "Anyway Scar-san, are you sure you want to go? It could be pretty dangerous…I mean, they're crazed fangirls, and there are a whole lot of them…"

"I believe that I can take perfectly good care of myself," Scar lifted his right arm, but Ieva shook her head.

"Actually, that won't work on them. You see, they aren't actually part of this universe, and as such are pretty much immune to stuff like that. It just doesn't affect them. But they can still affect this universe…it's really pretty complicated."

"I see…that complicates things somewhat. Can they be hurt at all?"

"Well, yeah, you can kick them and punch them and stuff, and it'll hurt…but not much."

"That explains why they didn't even get injured when I was fighting them," Envy said thoughtfully, then saw Ieva and Scar staring at him, "What? You thought I turned into a terrified nervous wreck immediately upon seeing them?" a few seconds of silence, and Ieva coughed. Envy sweatdropped and muttered sarcastically, "Thanks a lot…"

"But I should be perfectly fine. It isn't _me_ that they're after, now is it?"

"Not unless the Horde also contains Barry the Chopper fans or people who still hold an unfounded grudge about the whole Nina thing…so okay, but I'll look outside first," Ieva unlocked the door and poked her head outside, looked from left to right, and pulled it back in, "They're not there as far as I can tell."

"I will go out and search further. It is possible that they are lying in wait somewhere for us to let our guards down," and with that, Scar walked out the door, then turned back, "I will be gone for a time. When I return, I will knock on the door. If I have not gotten back within an hour, something has happened to me."

"And then we come rescue you!" Ieva added cheerfully, "Good luck, Scar-san!"

Scar looked like he was about to reply, but shook his head slightly and continued walking. Ieva waved goodbye before closing and locking the door again and turning to Envy, "And now, Envy, we clean!"

"What?"

"Now that you guys are here, we can actually make this place look like a studio, and add extra rooms and stuff. But we have to clean this room first. I'll go get the mops!"

Envy sighed as Ieva ran off to a corner where random stuff was piled in a heap and began digging through it. This would take a while.

* * *

Scar had only gotten about thirty feet from the door when he passed a very narrow, very dark, intersecting alleyway. He squinted into it, but was unable to make out anything from where he stood. That was when he made the biggest and most common monster movie mistake ever: he went _alone_ into an unfamiliar place with only one known exit where he couldn't see his surroundings clearly and there was no room to fight effectively should he run into something that he _knew_ was probably in there. Too bad Scar doesn't watch monster movies, or he would have probably not done this. But what's done is done, and the error proved to be fatal.

After he had gotten some ways into the alley, he tripped over a tightly stretched length of blackened rope that he had been unable to see. Before he could get up, he was tackled from behind by what felt like possibly fifteen people. Scar was caught by surprise, and the attackers used the second of delay in his reaction to their full advantage by swiftly looping rope around his wrists and tightly securing them behind his back. A hand was clapped over his mouth to prevent him from calling for help. Crimson eyes widened as Scar fully realized the extremity of his mistake. An observer would have heard the sounds of a brief struggle and a few muffled yells, and seen several flashes of red light before everything was silent. Within minutes the only thing left of Scar in the alley was a slightly damaged pair of black sunglasses that were soon picked up and moved to sit conspicuously in front of the entrance.

* * *

It had been nearly an hour and a half since Scar had left Ieva and Envy, and Ieva was getting nervous. Finally she dropped her mop and nearly sprinted out the door; Envy sighed and followed a bit more slowly. It wasn't long before she found the sunglasses.

"Oh my GOD! SCAR-SAN!" Ieva, needless to say, completely flipped out, "THEY GOT SCAR-SAN! WHAT'RE WE GONNA _DO_?" suddenly, she stopped yelling. The tips of her ears twitched as she heard the sound of a footstep coming from the dark alley next to her. The footstep was definitely not Scar's. She whirled to face Envy, who was still about five feet behind her, "RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIFE!" she shouted as she began to race back towards the safety of the studio.

Unfortunately, she had been far too close to the alley entrance to get away; the Horde overtook her within seconds, but not before she took the key to the door out of her pocket and tossed it to Envy, who had gotten enough of a head start to make it back inside. But before he closed the door, he gave one last look back at Ieva, who was kicking as many shins as she could in a futile attempt to get away. She noticed this, and yelled at him, "I'll be fine! It's you they're after, so close the door you idiot!" she noted with some happiness that Envy looked a little bit upset as he shut and locked the door. She muttered to herself as she kicked shins left and right, "Aaaawwww…he does care!"

The Horde was muttering amongst itself, and as one all the girls in it turned to Ieva, "You keep us from our vengeance? You must be punished!"

"Uh oh…" Ieva squeaked as she was lifted and carried swiftly from the studio to an unknown destination. This was not good.

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_End Episode: 02

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_A/N: -gasp- Oh no! Scar-san! -eyes glow menacingly- Must…rescue…  
__Scar: Rescue would be nice. You've told me already what's going to happen to me, and I'm not going to enjoy it…  
__Envy: She told me what I'm going to be doing too, and frankly I feel a bit-  
__SSHHHH! Don't spoil it for the readers, Envy! By the way, I drew some absolutely adorable chibis of you two. I can't post some of them until after the next chapter though…but I put the others on my Homepage gallery so everyone can see!  
__Envy: I know; you were griping about how my hair was absolute hell to draw all yesterday. -smug grin- And I got more pictures, too.  
__Scar: Ieva, you need to go work on Grudging Respect! I know this is fun to write, but I don't want to be stuck as a cat in fanfiction limbo forever.  
__All right, all right, I'll go work on it right now. Well, after I answer all the nice reviews I got, anyway. _

_DrainOnSociety: Poor, poor Envy. He was too freaked out to transform. Of course, who could blame him? I won't steal it, you go on ahead. Envy is such a wonderful muse. :D And yes, I challenged Envy to a thumb war. We couldn't decide who actually won, and we had to go bother Scar, but he didn't want to get involved so we argued for a while. XD  
__SmallestMechanic: Ah, but he soon discovered that he couldn't maul the fangirls, and so there was no choice but to flee. Glad it was funny.  
__Scar's fangurl: Ack, of course not! That's just disturbing…although I did see some really sweet, adorable pictures while I was looking at fanart…but that's beside the point!  
__Hinote-chan: Whoo! Another Envy supporter! I have a propaganda sign in my Homepage Gallery if you want to go see.  
__Anasazi Darkmoon: Yay for fellow Scar fans!  
__Halfmetal: Go on ahead. So long as it isn't too much like mine, I think it's really neat that you would. It's cool to see that Scar is your muse as well.  
__FantasyFreak: Thanks. :)_


	3. Of Badfic and Fangirls, Part 1

**Muses O' Doom**

_Episode 03: Of Badfic and Fangirls: Part I

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_

Scar opened his eyes slowly, the back of his head pounding. Briefly he wondered exactly why he was currently suspended by his wrists from a chain attached to a stone wall, before he remembered _exactly_ what had happened. His eyes snapped open and he whipped his head from side to side, trying to figure out where he was. He appeared to be in some kind of large, medieval-style dungeon, with no visible door or windows. The only light came from several torches mounted on 'his' wall; the other side of the room was in complete shadow, and he had no idea how far back it went. His feet were about eight inches from the stone floor, and the chains attached to his wrists looked to be fairly strong. Immediately he attempted to destroy the bonds with the power of his right arm, but although the red light completely engulfed the manacles, nothing happened. He then remembered Ieva's explanation about how his arm wouldn't affect things that weren't part of this universe, and this realization caused him to mutter a few choice profanities.

At the sound of his voice, something stirred in the blackness in front of him. He began to hear whispers, and shufflings in the dark. The fact that whatever was causing the noise could not be seen made him uneasy; add that he was currently in a fairly defenseless position and Scar was getting downright nervous.

"Rescue would be good now…"

* * *

Ieva had absolutely no idea where she was. One second she'd been in the middle of Central being dragged off by a bunch of crazed Hughes fangirls, the next second one of them had thrown a black sphere with 'Plot Device' written on it in big white letters onto the ground, it had exploded in a brilliant flash of white light, and now she and the Horde were here. Wherever 'here' was, anyway. They appeared to be in front of a medeival castle, complete with moat and gargoyles.

"Why the hell is there a freaking _European_ castle in Amestris?" Ieva demanded loudly.

She was ignored as the Horde carried her over the drawbridge and through the gates. Once they were inside, Ieva saw that whomever had built this castle had obviously had only the vaguest idea of what the inside of a castle was supposed to look like, and even that idea was based off of some random video game. There was no inner courtyard for one thing; the outer gates led directly into a huge stone room with myriad doors lining the walls and high, arched windows up closer to the ceiling. At the far end was a wide staircase leading up to a balcony that rimmed the whole room and had other doors up on its level. Ieva half expected to see random Item Chests littered about. As she looked around, mouth gaping and eye twitching, a booming voice spoke from an indeterminate location.

"WHO IS SHE? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ENVY?"

One of the fangirls stepped forth, "She helped Envy to escape, and she protected him from us when first we attempted to destroy him. She will be punished, yes?"

The voice was silent for a few moments before answering, "YES. YOU MAY GO NOW. LEAVE HER HERE."

There were some excited murmerings amongst the Horde as they withdrew and exited through one of the various doors on the first level. Ieva looked around defiantly, "Who the bloody hell are you to copy the speech mannerisms of other characters in other fandoms?"

"THAT IS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN."

Ieva pondered on this for about five seconds before replying, "Why, you're right! I really don't care who you are. Bye then!" and with this she turned and sprinted back towards the exit.

"NOT SO FAST. I BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY GOOD FRIEND…" a giant white rectangle with a bored 'nyeah nyeah nyeah' expression and two little horns growing out of the top dropped from the ceiling and landed on top of Ieva, leaving only her head, shoulders, and arms free, "…_WRITER'S BLOCK_! MUHAHAHAHA!"

"OI! That's not fair! How did you know I was a writer?" Ieva waved her arms around while she shouted, trying to no avail to get out from under the giant evil block.

"IT WASN'T DIFFICULT. YOU COULD SAY THAT I HAVE AN…INSTINCT…FOR WRITERS."

"Just who the hell are you, anyway?"

"WHY, SURELY YOU'VE HEARD OF ME," from out of the shadows near the staircase formed a huge lump of pure darkness with luminous red eyes and an evilly grinning mouth filled with triangle-shaped teeth. Multitudes of shadowy tentacles waved menacingly from its form. It laughed, "I AM THE BADFIC MONSTER! COWER IN FEAR, WRITER!"

"The Badfic…Monster? Couldn't you have picked a better name than that?" Ieva raised an eyebrow.

"SILENCE! NOW, YOU WILL GIVE ME ENVY!"

"I would never give him to the likes of you! I signed a _contract_ saying I would protect him from job-related danger, and that includes _you_," Ieva stuck her tongue out at the 'Badfic Monster'.

"AH, BUT I BELIEVE YOU ALSO SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH SOMEONE NAMED…_SCAR_, PERHAPS?"

Ieva's eye twitched dangerously, "_You_…what did you do with Scar-san?"

"IT'S DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN…PERHAPS I SHOULD JUST _SHOW_ YOU," and with that, a large TV screen rose up out of the floor. A tentacle reached out and pushed the 'ON' button, and Ieva found out _exactly_ what was happening to poor Scar.

* * *

The whisperings and shufflings had gone on for some time before Scar even got a glimpse of what was making them. Of course, once he did he wished that they had just stayed out of sight. About ten stunningly beautiful girls emerged from the shadows, each with impossible figures and brightly multicolored hair. And even though they all had red eyes, there was no bloody way any of them were actually from Ishbal.

A tall one, younger than the rest and with jet black hair, was the first to scream, "OMG Skar u r teh kulest i luv u!111! Adn u luv me 2 cuz im frum ihsbarl11!"

An older one with long pink and turquoise hair and what appeared to be cat ears and a tail quickly whirled on her fellow, "No he luvs me1!1 im teh 8th humconulis Vainity and im alos a cat kimeera and a stat alkamist caled teh Flower Alkamist cuz i can turn evrything in to flowers!11!"

The next to shout had short purple hair with the ends dyed blue, "Ur both rong, he luvs me cuz we r soulbonded cuz he saved me frum dieing lol i made taht word up all by myself its such teh r0xx0rs!1!11

The others also shouted out who they were and that they loved Scar, and with each one he grew more and more freaked out. When they got within three feet of him he began to desperately kick them away, but they kept getting up and coming back.

'_Help me…_'

* * *

Ieva's mouth hung open in absolute horror as she watched. Finally, she could take it no longer, and exploded, arms waving furiously as she attempted to get out from under the Writer's Block, "I'LL SAVE YOU SCAR-SAN! LEMME GO YOU SADISTIC BASTARDS! SCAR-SAAAAANNNN!"

The Badfic Monster cackled evilly, "THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO SAVE HIM FROM THE DOOM THAT IS MY EXTENSIVE COLLECTION OF MARY-SUES. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU WERE TO GIVE ME ENVY…"

"But…but…AARRGH! YOU -bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-!" Ieva's cursing would have made a sailor blush, and will not be printed here.

Once the Badfic Monster had recovered from the shock of what it had just heard, it gave a slightly weakened evil grin, "SO, YOU NEED SOME MORE PERSUADING, DO YOU? HE MAY BE ABLE TO KEEP THEM AT BAY _NOW_, BUT LET US SEE HOW HE FARES IF I DO _THIS_?" it whipped out a remote control from its…pocket, Ieva supposed, and pushed a button. She turned to the TV screen just in time to see two chains attached to the dungeon floor seemingly come alive and wrap themselves around Scar's ankles, preventing him from kicking the terrible Mary-Sues away.

"NOOOO! MUST RESCUE SCAR-SAN!"

"THE ONLY WAY IS TO GIVE ME ENVY."

"But…I…_contract_…why do you want Envy anyway?"

"UH…WHO NEEDS A REASON WHEN I HAVE MY LOYAL MINION, THE PLOT HOLE SHOVEL? HA!" and with that, it beckoned a tentacle at the corner, out of which hopped a large black shovel that looked like something one would see in the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast, only evil. It proceeded to hop over in front of Ieva, and then dug a giant Plot Hole in the middle of the story before hopping back to its corner.

"Um…riiiight…I'm assuming that the horde of Hughes fangirls has been brainwashed to do your bidding?"

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

"It's very obvious."

"OH. IT WASN'T VERY DIFFICULT TO DO. ONLY A FEW RESISTED."

"You are _such_ a meanie-head," Ieva stuck her tongue out again. Although it appeared that she had completely forgotten about poor Scar's predicament in favor of bantering with the Badfic Monster, in reality she hadn't forgotten at all. For you see, the Badfic Monster had made one fatal mistake; it had left Scar on the TV screen. And Scar was a Muse. Ieva, simply by looking at him, was slowly breaking out of the Writer's Block's hold. But not fast enough; the Mary-Sues had by now clustered all around him, still spouting their nonsense, and she was afraid that their influence might begin to take hold of his mind before long.

"MEANIE-HEAD? IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH? HA! THAT IS PATHETIC! BUT IT _IS_ TRUE; DID YOU THINK I DIDN'T NOTICE THAT YOU ARE SLOWLY FREEING YOURSELF FROM THE WRITER'S BLOCK? I WAS ONLY LETTING YOU _THINK_ THAT YOU WERE GOING TO ESCAPE, AND NOW I WILL DASH YOUR HOPES LIKE THE MEANIE-HEAD THAT I AM!" and with that, he pushed another button on his remote, and the TV screen sank back into the floor and out of sight. And now that Ieva had absolutely no access to either of her muses, all the ground she'd gained with the Writer's Block was instantly lost.

"YOU -bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-!" once again, the un-writeable cursing was shouted.

"NOW, YOU MUST CHOOSE. EITHER YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER WHOM YOU RESPECT AND ADMIRE GREATLY, OR AN EVIL LITTLE ANDROGYNOUS PALM TREE HEAD."

"That's a biased question!"

There was a short glaring match between the two of them. It would have been longer, but it was interrupted by a figure swinging on a rope through one of the arched windows with a giant crash and a nonlethal shower of broken glass. Just like in an old action movie. Yellow trenchcoat billowing dramatically, Scar landed on top of the Writer's Block and it shattered into a million pieces, which then vanished into thin air, like defeated monsters do in video games.

"WAIT…WHAT?" the Badfic Monster gaped in shock.

Scar wasn't waiting around to answer. Ieva had gone all starry-eyed with utter fangirl overload (no one is truly immune) and obviously wasn't going to be any use to anyone until she snapped out of it, so he kind of just carried her under one arm while he sprinted through one of the many doors. The Badfic Monster blinked a few times before whirling and pressing a button on his remote, causing the TV screen to come up again. And…there was Scar, still in the dungeon and surrounded by Mary-Sues.

"HUH?"

* * *

After Ieva and Scar had gotten a fair distance through the twisting, torch-lit halls that lay beyond the door, Scar stopped and put her down. And then he grinned.

Ieva practically had a lightbulb poof into existance above her head, "Envy! You came to rescue me!"

Envy grinned wider (it looked very, very odd to see this on Scar's face) and changed to his regular form, "Well who did you expect? Brigadier General Basque Gran?"

Ieva winced, "Don't _say_ things like that. That would have been _so_ creepy…wait…if you're not Scar, then…" Ieva's face changed to one of pure horror, "SCAR-SAN! MARY-SUES! DUNGEON! RESCUE!" she tore off down the hall, shouting, "I'M COMING SCAR-SAAAAANNN!"

"Hey! Wait!" Envy sprinted after her.

**Several staircases and many wrong turns later…**

Ieva fell over onto the ground, and Envy poked her with his foot curiously, "Hey. What's the matter?"

"I'm dead."

"You need to exercise more."

"I don't care. I'm _dead_."

"Did you know that there's a really big spider about five inches in front of your face?"

"Ha ha. Won't work. How did you know I was insanely arachnophobic?"

"You are?"

Ieva got a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, and slowly raised her head from the floor. There was a spider. With an ear-piercing shriek, she propelled herself off the ground, lost her balance, fell backwards, and grabbed a wall torch to stop her fall. Guess what happened next. Yep, the torch turned out to be a secret lever, which opened up a section of the wall. Guess what was behind the wall. Yep, it was Scar, surrounded by Mary-Sues and looking exceedingly uncomfortable.

"That was incredibly cliché," Envy commented dryly.

"I'm not complaining," Scar shouted back, "Now get me out of here before I start acting like you were in the first chapter."

It was then that Ieva recovered enough from her fall to notice Scar, "Scar-san! You're alive! I'll save you!" she dashed into the dungeon and started shouting at the Mary-Sues, "Begone foul creatures of badness! Shoo! Back to the shadows from whence you came! Move it!" she waved her arms threateningly, and they glared before retreating back into the darkness. Then Ieva realized something, "Oh, bloody hell, how are we going to get you off the wall? Can you do your arm thing?"

"I tried. It didn't work."

"Aw, shoot…hmmm…maybe…Envy, turn into someone tall, will you please?"

Envy grinned and turned into Basque Gran, "You mean like _him_?"

"That is NOT FUNNY, Envy."

"Fine, fine, spoil my fun…" Envy changed again, this time into Armstrong.

Ieva's eye twitched, but then she shrugged, "Whatever. It won't take long anyway. I just need a boost so I can reach the manacles."

"Right then, shorty," Envy snickered, "Pink sparklies or no pink sparklies?"

"Good lord NO," Ieva glared, "Just do it will you?"

"Yes, really. This isn't very fun for me, you know," Scar glared as well.

"Fine, fine, don't be so impatient," Envy proceeded to lift Ieva up so that she could reach the manacles around Scar's wrists. Once she could, she took the pencil out from behind her ear, and began to erase the chain. Before long, it was severed and Scar dropped to the ground, tripping and falling on his back because his ankles were still chained together.

"Well, that was anticlimactic. Now get these off so I can stand up."

"Of course, Scar-san. Envy, you can put me down now. And change back to your regular form, _please_."

* * *

_End Episode 03

* * *

_

**_A/N:_**_ Yes, I divided this into two parts. I wanted to get this chapter posted today. The next part will be up as soon as I can get it written. Which might be soon, or it might take a while. For next week I have…FINAL EXAMS! -dundunduuuunnnn-  
__Scar: Really, she's driving us up the wall about them.  
__Envy: Don't ask her about updates. She just might just explode with stress.  
__Scar: And that's just for this story. I don't even want to think about Grudging Respect…  
__I'm working on it as fast as I can! I can do it! I can-  
__Envy: Ieva, calm down. Have some Pocky.  
__Scar: Oh, and readers: while you wait, you can look at Ieva's two new pictures of us on her Homepage…well, actually they're of me, but one of them has Envy in it.  
__Envy: And review! If you fall under the category of 'Insane Hughes Fangirl Who Was After My Blood After Episode 25', you just might qualify for a brief cameo in the next chapter.  
__Yep. -nods- Well, I think that's everything. Now I'll answer all the wonderful reviews I got!_

_Shale 101: Yay! A fellow non-Envy-blamer!  
__Hinote-chan: I think I'll just keep calling you this, if you don't mind. Excellent job of convincing! Kudos to you!  
__Scar's fangurl: Patience, please. I'm working on it.  
__Anasazi Darkmoon: Envy is definitely a guy, even if he does sound and dress like a girl.  
__Envious One: Fellow Envy fan! Now, I could be immature and scream 'ENVY IS MINE!', but you did get to him first. I guess I have a clone. :)  
__Anase the Shadow Alchemist: Yep, I've read your fic, and I must say it is very good. And gosh do you update fast. Sorry about your having to babysit, I hope it wasn't too horrible.  
__kristanite: Oro? -is confuzzled-  
__Halfmetal: I know what spiffy means, I say it all the time too. He does certainly have spiffy pants. Heh. And a spiffy yellow trenchcoat that I wish he had kept. And I think your writing style is fine. _


	4. OMAKE: A Tribute

**Muses O' Doom**

_Omake__ Theater No.1: A Tribute

* * *

_

**SERIOUS SPOILER WARNING: If you have not seen up to Episode Number 41, or do not know what happens there, DON'T READ THIS CHAPTER. I am SERIOUS. You will very likely be depressed.

* * *

**

Scar was looking for Ieva. He hadn't seen her all day, which was unusual. He sighed and wondered if she had gone and gotten herself into some kind of trouble _again_. At that moment, Envy came out of his room.

"Yo, Scar," he gave a bored wave.

"Have you seen Ieva today?"

Envy looked slightly surprised, "You didn't know? She got all the episodes on DVD just this morning. She's been in her room all day watching them. Hasn't come out once."

Scar began to feel uncharacteristically nervous, "What, all of them? All at once?"

"Yeah. She should be somewhere in the forties by now. Why?"

"Oh no…" Scar put a hand to his head, as if ignoring the problem would somehow save him from what was inevitably coming.

"What's 'oh no' about…oh. Y'know, maybe you should hide or something before she gets to it…"

Scar shook his head, "No, no. Something tells me that if she can't find me when it happens, her reaction will be even worse. I'll just wait here so she can find me quickly."

"Right, that might be a good idea. She'd prob'ly be even _more_ freaked out if she couldn't find you. Anyway, I'm taking cover. Good luck with her," Envy walked quickly over to hide behind Ieva's desk.

The two didn't have to wait for very long. It was less than half an hour before there was an anguished cry from behind Ieva's door, and Scar braced himself. A white and silver blur shot out from the room like a missile, flew past Scar, and screeched to a halt in the center of the main room. It was Ieva, crying and looking frantically around her. Her eyes rested on Scar, and in the blink of an eye she had attached herself to his ankles.

"S-scar-saaaan! You're not…not allowed t-to go!"

Scar was fighting to keep his balance with the bawling girl attached to his ankles, and trying to calm her down at the same time, "It's okay, I'm not going anywhere! I'm right here…"

"But y-you…you DIED!"

Scar sighed, this could potentially take a while, "Yes, I know," the sobs increased in volume, and Scar quickly corrected himself, "Well…actually, I'm _presumed_ dead."

Ieva raised her eyes to him, "R-really?"

"Yes. No one really knows for sure," and he added in his thoughts, '_Although the chances that I actually did survive are slim to none._'

"Okay…I think I'm a little better now…" Ieva sniffed and let go of Scar's ankles to rub her eyes. He gave a small sigh of relief; it had gone better than he had thought it would.

"Is she calmed down now?" Envy poked his head out from behind the desk cautiously.

Ieva nodded, "Yeah…I'm okay now…I think I'm going to write a story about you surviving, Scar-san."

"River in Egypt," Envy muttered to himself. He was ignored by Ieva, who was currently up said river without a paddle.

* * *

_End Omake Theater

* * *

_

**_A/N: _**_You know, this was pretty much my exact mental reaction to that episode. Oh, and the 'River in Egypt' thing: if you don't already know about that joke, it refers to someone who's in denial about something (Get it? 'de Nile is a river in Egypt?). And yes, I am in denial about it.  
__Envy: Every time her brothers say that he's dead, she screams "PRESUMED!" at them.  
__Yeah, I'm totally pathetic. Oh, and yes, I am going to (eventually) write a fanfiction about Scar surviving. I'm working it out in my head right now, and I'm not going to post it until I've finished Grudging Respect. MY CONCEPT NO STEALY!  
__Scar: Ieva will be posting the actual next episode soon.  
Envy: We hope.  
Scar: All the reviews from the last chapter will be answered then._


	5. Of Badfic and Fangirls, Part 2

**Muses O' Doom

* * *

_Episode 04: Of Badfic and Fangirls: Part II

* * *

_**

The group was a bit lost in the maze of passageways, and Ieva was swearing blind that whomever had built the castle must have been playing far too many medieval video games, and surely there must be Item Chests around there _somewhere_. They continued to wander aimlessly, hoping that by some miracle they would find the way out, until the turned a corner to find themselves face to face with…THE HORDE! DUN DUN DUUUNNN! Within seconds the poor threesome was fleeing for their lives, and Ieva and Envy were both spazzing as they ran.

Envy's reaction, of course, was entirely legitimate, "They're gonna KILL me! I'm DOOMED!"

Ieva's, however, was a bit less so, "It's just like those games where something undefeatable is chasing you and it's always right behind you and there aren't any exits and I'VE ALWAYS BEEN TERRIFIED OF THEM!"

Scar just sighed and thought to himself, '_Great. Am I the _only_ one here who isn't a total coward?_'

The trio continued to sprint through the endless maze of stone halls, the Horde right behind them, and as the chase continued, Ieva began to fall behind. She had always hated running, and had the endurance of…something that didn't have any. And then, something unthinkable but at the same time entirely predictable happened. She tripped over her own feet and lay sprawled on the floor, and of course at the speeds that the two separate groups had been traveling and the distance between them it was only seconds before she had been engulfed by the Horde. She reemerged on top, being carried by several members and yelling her head off at them. Both Scar and Envy had noticed immediately, but to stop running would have been utter suicide, and completely useless. If they stopped, all that would happen would be that they would _all_ be caught.

As he ran, Envy shouted back over his shoulder, "Oi! You gonna be okay back there?"

"Heck, I'm _fine_; I'm gettin' a free ride! Don't stop running!" was the reply.

"Right, then!" Envy yelled backwards, then began muttering to Scar, only just loud enough for him to hear, "Hey, I've got a plan. If we can just pull a little bit farther ahead and get around a corner…"

"What is it that you want us to do?" Scar asked. Envy told him, and he nodded, "That might actually work. All right, I see a corner up ahead."

And so the pair of them ran faster, as fast as they could. Envy pulled up ahead, as he was a Homunculus and therefore could run faster than a human, and needed to get there first for the plan to work anyway. They managed to round the corner a full five seconds faster than the Horde, and that was all the time they needed. When the mass of girls turned the corner, they screeched to a halt, finding themselves face to face with…_two_ Scars? A general murmur rose.

"Which one is Envy?"

"How do we tell?"

Meanwhile, Ieva snickered, because now that she knew what to look for, she could tell them apart rather easily. It was an acquired talent. Anyway, she saw right away that although there was no physical difference, the Scar that was Envy in disguise had a different 'look' in his eyes than the real Scar had. Meanwhile, the Horde, who couldn't tell, seemed to be torn on what to do.

"We could get both of them…"

"But I don't want to hurt the _real_ Scar!"

"Me either!"

"But we must wreak our vengeance on Envy!"

Ieva spoke up, "Actually, Envy was only following orders."

"SILENCE!"

Ieva sighed, "How many of you are also Mustang fans?" A good many of the Horde raised their hands, and Ieva continued, "Mustang killed Winry's parents, you know."

"Only 'cause Basque Gran told him to!"

Now Ieva smirked, "Exactly. Envy only killed Hughes because an evil old lady named Dante told him to. You're wreaking vengeance on the _wrong person_, you meanie-heads."

Now a large part of the Horde was looking a bit unsure. One of them piped up, "So…this Dante person…where can we find her?" Now that it was said, there were murmurs of agreement throughout the Horde.

"Oh, she's probably either out in a big house in the woods near Dublith or in a large city underneath Central. One of those interesting little 'Plot Device' things ought to take you right to her," Ieva grinned evilly. She didn't much care for Dante, and the thought of her being justly chased around by the Horde was a rather lovely thought.

The Horde discussed this change of events for about a minute before the members holding Ieva put her down and the whole lot of them began to withdraw, muttering something along the lines of 'kill Dante'.

"Oh, but before you go, would you mind giving once of those things to us? It's rather boring wandering around these corridors, and a Plot Device to get us out sounds pretty nice," Ieva looked hopeful. Her hopes were realized, and one of the Horde tossed her one of the wonderful little black spheres before the whole lot of them vanished into the maze of corridors. Grinning, the young author ran over to her muses, throwing her arms around their necks in a giant glomp-hug, "That was brilliant!"

"Why thank you. That was my idea to make them stop, by the way," Envy said smugly, transforming back to his regular form.

"I'm surprised it was so easy to get them after Dante," Scar looked fairly neutral.

Ieva shrugged, "Well, usually with fangirl Hordes like that, if you can get some to believe you the rest generally follow. Now let's get outta here before something else happens," she threw the Plot Device onto the ground, and it exploded in a bright flash of light. When the light faded, the trio was back in front of Ieva's Studio.

"Well, thank goodness _that's_ over," Envy grinned, and tossed Ieva the keys to the door, "Here ya go, I'm thinking you'll be needing these."

"You'd be right about that," Ieva caught them neatly and unlocked her door, "Well, since me and Envy cleaned all the dust and stuff, we've just gotta organize all my junk and add some extra rooms for you guys. Rooms first, I think, 'cause that'll take all three of us."

And so, things quickly returned to normal. Well, as normal as they can get around Ieva, anyway.

* * *

_End Episode 04

* * *

_

_**A/N: **Gack, sorry this took so long. -hangs head in shame- I wanted to write it, but I got stuck up near the beginning. Oh, but I have the greatest idea about what's going to happen next! It's going to be the funnest thing to write EVAR. Yes, evar. That's how fun it's going to be.  
Scar: Maybe for _you_.  
__Envy: I dunno, I find it pretty funny too.  
__Scar: -sigh- You would.  
__Ehe…-rubs back of head- Oh, and the Badfic Monster will definitely appear again in future episodes, 'cause it's a fun villain. Also…sorry about the lack of the cameos…I had so much trouble with them that I just left them out…but if someone said something that you think you would say, you can always pretend that it was you…sorry…Also, about my little 'special twin telling-apart' ability; I do have that in real life. My dad and uncle are completely identical twins, so I've been getting practice telling people apart since I was really little. Anyway, now I'll answer all the reviews, both from Episode 03 and the omake._

_From Episode 03:  
__MadMood__: Why thank you. Sorry it took me so long.  
__Scar's fangurl: Thanks much!  
__kristanite__: Sorry for not doing cameos…maybe another chapter.  
__Anasazi__ Darkmoon: Oh, yes, they are scary. -shudders- Glory to the trenchcoat!  
__Maruken__: Hehe, thanks. What better villains for a story about muses? Glad to see another Envy supporter!  
__Duelchick901: Wh00t, a convert! Glad you like my story. :)  
__Hinote__-chan: I hope your fic goes well! There are Envy fangirls, but they seem to be a bit scarce lately…  
__Halfmetal__: Thanks. Have fun with your story. :)  
__Shale 101: No more school is YAY!  
__envy's dark angel: Hehehe. Glad you thought it was funny!  
__LadyRiona__: Thank you! Humor can almost always be found in my stories; it's just how I write. Nice to see a Hughes fan that doesn't blame Envy._

_From the Omake:  
__Anasazi__ Darkmoon: -nodnod- Something like that. I don't want to spoil anything for you, but what he did was very courageous and noble. -sniffle- I get all teary when I think about it.  
__Metamorphosis Alchemist: Yay! Thanks much!  
__Anase__ the Shadow Alchemist: Yes, that it was. And yes, presumably. -is still in denial-  
__Maruken__: Sorry to keep you waiting!  
__Darkness Shadow of Hatred: Hehe, here's your new chapter.  
__LadyRiona__: That's my way of making myself feel better when sad things happen, is to make it funny somehow. Glad you thought so to.  
__Shale 101: I think I'll like my version better as well.  
__Hinote__-chan: Meep, I hope you can remember it soon. I got the joke from other fanfics, hehe. And your friends are funny. :)  
__Halfmetal__: Right, right. There's no way._


	6. Chibi, Part 1

**Muses O' Doom**

_Episode 05: Chibi: Part I

* * *

_

It had taken several hours, but at last there were three extra rooms in the Studio: one for each of them. It had been a bit difficult until they had gotten the hang of it; to create them, Scar and Envy had needed to inspire Ieva to the point where she was able to transpose the rooms and all the things in them, such as beds, shelves, etc. But it had gotten easier with each one, and before long the group was quite good at it. Now they were working on sorting the massive pile of Ieva's junk that had been jumbled in one of the corners in the main room. And man, was there some weird stuff in there.

"What's this?" Envy held up what appeared to be a pink laser gun.

Ieva took it and looked it over, "I have no idea. I didn't know it was even in there. I wonder what it does…?"

"There's no trigger. But here's a button…maybe if you push this…" Envy reached over and pushed the button. It was rather a stupid thing to do, as the laser was pointed right at him. Out of the laser shot a wide beam of bright pink light, which enveloped not only Envy, but Scar, who had been behind him at the time. There was a bright flash, and a large cloud of pink smoke filled the room.

Ieva coughed and waved the smoke away from her face, trying to see her muses, "Envy? Scar-san? Are you both all right? What happened?"

"Who are you?" a childish voice came from somewhere near her waist. She looked down to see two pairs of big, wide eyes, one pair violet and the other red. Scar and Envy…had seemingly been turned into four-year-old miniaturized versions of themselves. Thankfully their clothes had shrunk with them.

"Uh…" Ieva's mind froze, "I'm…uh…your…Aunt Ieva!" a large grin was slowly spreading across her face, "You're so _cute_!" she squealed and picked both of them up in a hug.

"Gwah! Leggo!" Envy struggled against Ieva's hold, "M'not cute! Cute is for babies!"

Ieva nearly squealed again, but managed not to and put them both down, crouching so she was at eye level with them, "Do you two remember what happened before I hugged you?"

"Nuh-uh," the little Envy shook his head.

"There was lotsa smoke!" the little Scar added helpfully.

"Ooookaaaay…so apparently they've both reverted to a four-year-old's mindset, as well…" Ieva muttered to herself, "I suppose I'll have to change them back…but how the spork am I gonna do that?"

"Auntie 'Eva, I wanna play a game!" Envy attached himself to her leg, looking up at her with big puppy-dog eyes.

"Me too, me too!" Scar did the same.

It was one of the cutest things Ieva had ever seen, and she grinned wider, "I guess I can always figure out how to turn you back later, so okay, what do you want to play?"

"Horsie ride!" Envy proclaimed loudly.

"Yeah!" Scar put his hand in the air and waved it, "Me first!"

"No, me first!" Envy stuck his tongue out at Scar, "Dummy head!"

Scar looked like he was about to cry, and turned up to look at Ieva, "Auntie 'Eva, he called me a name!"

Ieva quickly patted him on the head in a comforting manner, "Awww, it's okay, don't cry…he didn't really mean it, _did_ you Envy?"

"No…"

"There, now, see?" Ieva smiled at Scar. Time to put all that practice with her little brothers and sisters to use. "How about we play a different game?"

And so they did. Over the next three hours, they played ball, hide and seek, tag…all the little games that four-year-olds like to play. Ieva kept going 'squee!' at random intervals when the utter cuteness became too much for her not to, and had unearthed a camera from somewhere and was taking as many pictures as possible (at one point she smacked her head and yelled "Bloody hell, I'm turning into Hughes!"). Near the end of the third hour, though, she was starting to get a bit worn out. Fortunately for her, she noticed that Scar was beginning to look tired as well, and she managed to get him to sleep. But Envy, being a Homunculus, was still just as hyper as he had been when they started. So Ieva rummaged through her pile of stuff until she came up with a large cardboard box.

"Here, Envy, this should keep you entertained for a while. I have to go…uh…do something important. I'll be right over there, though, so don't even _think_ about doing anything bad," Ieva handed the highly excited Envy the box, and went over to the pile and started to try and figure out how to change them back to normal. But in about fifteen minutes she had fallen asleep herself.

Meanwhile, Envy was starting to get bored with the box. Glancing over to see that Ieva was asleep, he grinned a mischievous grin and tiptoed over to where Scar was asleep. He nudged the little Ishbalan and whispered, "Hey, wake up!"

Scar yawned and opened his eyes, "Whassa matter, Envy?"

"Auntie 'Eva is asleep, an' I'm _bored_. I wanna go play outside, an' you hafta come with me."

"Won't we get in trouble?"

"Nuh-uh, not if we come back inside 'fore she wakes up," Envy looked confident.

Scar pondered on this logic for a moment before nodding, "Okay!"

And so the pair of them snuck out the front door, and began to run around through the maze of alleyways like the hyper little four-year-olds they currently were.

**15 Minutes Later…**

"Envy, I think we're lost…"

"No we're not! I know exacticaly where we are!"

"Then can we go back? I'm getting tired again…"

"Awww…okay. The way back is…" Envy looked around, "Uh…it's this way!"

**15 MORE Minutes Later…**

The pair of them, after much wandering because Envy had absolutely no idea where he was going, found themselves, not back at the Studio, but at the entrance to the main streets of Central. Of course, in their current state, this was a pretty big and scary place full of immensely tall strangers.

"I told you we were lost! Auntie 'Eva's gonna be mad at us," Scar frowned.

"But what if she can't find us?" Envy sounded worried.

"You think she won't?"

"I dunno…"

Suddenly, a huge shadow fell over the pair. They looked up to see what looked like, to them, a gigantic metal monster. Actually, it was Alphonse Elric, but their four-year-old minds didn't know that. Al looked down at them, and they freaked out.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MONSTER!" they tried to run for it, but before they could get anywhere, there was a loud clap and flash of blue light, and they were surrounded by low stone walls that formed a small box around them. Of course, this frightened them even more. When the Elric brothers looked over the wall that Ed had created to stop the pair from getting away, they were greeted by the sight of sobbing miniaturized versions of two of their most deadly foes. With an incredulous expression on his face, Ed reached into the box and picked up the mini-Scar by the collar of his trenchcoat.

The miniaturized Ishbalan waved his arms around to no avail, "Lemme go!"

"Put Scar down, you big meanie!" Envy waved a little fist and stuck his tongue out.

"Or you'll what, shorty?" Ed was grinning at the wonderful opportunity he had to tease these two unmercifully and get away with it.

Envy seemed at a loss for words, "I'll…I'll tell Auntie 'Eva, an' she'll come an' beat you up!"

"Oh? And where is this 'Auntie 'Eva' of yours?"

"She's…she's…uh…" Envy hung his head, "I dunno…"

"Heh, thought so," Ed smirked, and turned his attention back onto Scar, "So, what am I going to do with _you_…? Maybe I'll _eat_ you, hmmm?"

"Waaaaaah, no!" Scar cried harder, covering his head with his arms.

"Niisan!" Al scolded, snatching Scar away from Ed and cradling him gently, trying to calm the little guy down, "Awww…it's okay, it'll be just fine…don't cry, now…"

Scar sniffled, "I want Auntie 'Eva!"

"Well…what does she look like?" Al asked. This small version of Scar was very cute, and he didn't want him to be unhappy.

"She has grey hair, an' pointy ears, an'…uh…a necklace witha rock onit!"

Al had never heard of anyone who fit that description, and judging by the look on Ed's face, he hadn't either, "Ummm…how about we help you look for her?"

Scar looked up at him with big eyes, "Really?"

"Yes, really," Al replied, with a smiling voice.

"What? Why should we help _them_?" Ed exclaimed. He was then hit with the combined force of Al, Scar, and Envy's simultaneous giant puppy eyes. Not even he could stand up to _that_. He groaned, "All right, _fine_," he then plucked Envy out of the box by the back of his shirt and handed the little Homunculus to Al, "But _you_ get to carry them. We'll take 'em to HQ, and see if we can find anything on this 'Eva' person there."

"Okay…but how do we get them in there? I mean, I don't think little kids would be allowed in the first place, and it's not like it isn't obvious who they _are_…"

"And why is Al, master of sneaking-in-cats, asking this question?"

"Oooooh…right, ehe…Scar-chan, Envy-chan, do you want to take a ride?"

"Ride?" he had their instant attention.

"Yes, a _fun_ ride. You see, I have…uh…magic armor on! You can both fit inside it, and we can trick everyone! Won't that be fun?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh, and my name is Al, and this is my big brother Ed."

Envy looked at Ed, "If he's your _big_ brother, how come he's lots shorter than you?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN'T EAT SHRIMP BECAUSE IT WOULD BE CANNIBALISM?"

"Din' say that," Envy retorted, sticking his tongue out; now that he had Al on his side, he was completely unafraid of Ed.

"Niisan, don't yell so loud. They're only little," Al reprimanded before setting the pair down and opening up the front of his armor, "Here you go."

Envy climbed right in, an excited grin on his face, but Scar hung back, "S'all dark in there…"

"S'okay, 'cause it's _magic_ armor, 'member?" Envy said confidently, "Nothin' bad can happen in _magic_ armor. Right, mister Al?"

"Uh…right. It's fine, Scar-chan. Get on in."

"Okay…" Scar still sounded a little unsure, but climbed in anyway.

Al stood up, closed the front of his armor, and turned to Ed, "How…?"

"I don't think I even _want_ to know."

And so the confused Elric brothers began to walk to Central Military HQ, with their two small passengers in tow.

* * *

_End Episode 05

* * *

_

**_A/N:_**_ Sorry this took so long, and it's another two-parter too…but OMG isn't it just the cutest thing _ever  
_Envy: And you _know_ it must be really cute, because she's saying 'OMG'.  
__Scar: -sigh- Always with the cute…Ieva, you have the _oddest_ perception of 'cute', do you know that? When you watch the anime and I give my evil glare 'o death, you squeal at the TV screen as though you were seeing a fluffy puppy. And mutter about 'pretty, pretty eyes'.  
__Ehe…I have a weakness for the eyes, yes. And I've always had an odd perception of cute. I used to think that the velociraptors and T-Rexes in Jurassic Park were cute when I was little, and I think the Sentinels in The Matrix trilogy are cute also.  
__Envy: -shakes head- You're insane.  
__Yep! Now to answer reviews! _

_Darkness Shadow of Hatred: -dies from all the poking- Ohnoes, I'm dead! But then how am I talking? -ponders- Scar-san! I can't tell if I'm dead or not! (Scar: -sighs- )  
MadMood: Sorry this took so long. -sweatdrop-  
Silvertails Tora: Yes, yes, destroy Dante! Did you really do that with the pictures? O.o And no, he wouldn't die that easily. Not Scar-san.  
Anasazi Darkmoon: Yep; if Dante hadn't told him to kill Hughes, Envy wouldn't have looked twice at the poor guy. And yeah, there probably will be a little thingy at some point about the Horde chasing Dante, probably catching her. As for Scar-san...well, I'm getting better about not crying.  
Maruken: Palm tree preserve! XD Funny funny. And...yes, sheep. Or lemmings.  
Sin the Dark Priestess: I like the new name. :) And nice random ability, too.  
magical-wildgirl: Thanks, glad you like it! Awww, your muse wouldn't come to rescue you?  
_


	7. Chibi, Part 2

**Muses O' Doom  
**_Episode 06: Chibi: Part II

* * *

_

Nobody noticed anything unusual about the Elric brothers as they walked into HQ. Nobody had even so much of a hint of suspicion that inside Alphonse were two chibified enemies of the military. Not that anybody _would_ suspect something like that; only crazy, paranoid people think up stuff like _that_ to be suspicious of. Maybe we all ought to listen to what crazy, paranoid people have to say more often, hmmm?

Anyway, the pair (quartet, actually) got up to Mustang's office without any difficulties at all. What do you mean Mustang doesn't work in Central? Oh, I see. That little sticky note saying 'Teh Plot Hole Shovel wuz heer' makes perfect sense now. _Anyway_, so the pair (quartet) got up to Mustang's office without any difficulties at all. Ed, as usual, didn't bother knocking, simply striding on in with Al following a bit more quietly behind.

"Why, Fullmetal, I thought you gave me your report yesterday. Or is your memory as short as you are?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS OWN NAME?"

"Niisan…"

Ed ground his teeth, "Guess what, Mustang? I've got a _new_ report. Open up, Al."

Al obligingly unlatched the front of his armor, and out clambered mini-Scar and mini-Envy. Everyone in the room gaped.

Scar turned back to Al, "Mister Al, where are we now? Did we find Auntie 'Eva yet?"

Meanwhile, Envy walked right up to the stunned group of military personnel, which included Mustang, Havoc, Fury, Breda, and Falman (Hawkeye had gone out for a moment to get some coffee), and stopped in front of them, "Why're you all wearing the same weird clothes?"

They stared at him, and they stared at Scar, who was currently being explained to by Al that they were in a special kind of office where his friends worked, and that they hadn't found 'Eva' yet. Envy looked up at them for a minute before he got bored and ran back to Al, "Mister Al, I think your friends are broken."

Havoc found his voice first, choking out, "H-how…?"

"We haven't the slightest clue," Ed replied to the unfinished question, "We just found 'em like this."

"Well…" Mustang looked a little unsure, "…should we arrest them, or what?"

Al shook his head, "No. Even if they _are_ actually Scar and Envy, they're just children now. They didn't remember who we were, and they're acting just like little kids. Oh, and they're looking for someone named Eva. Ring any bells?" When everyone shook their heads, Al sighed, "I didn't think so…but I think we ought to try and find her. She might know something about why they're like this."

"But how do we find her? There are probably quite a few 'Eva's in Central _alone_, and she might not even be _in_ Central," Mustang rubbed his forehead frustratedly.

"What is going on here?" Hawkeye came through the door, coffee mug in hand. Then she saw Scar and Envy, "What _is _going on here?" The situation was hurriedly explained to her, and she nodded, "We have to find this Eva. We don't know if the…change is temporary or permanent. They could change back to their normal selves at any time."

Everyone else shot one another worried looks; nobody had considered that possibility.

Fury spoke up, "Um…if we're all out looking for Eva…what are we going to do with them?"

"Someone will have to stay behind and watch them," Hawkeye stated, then looked around, "Any volunteers? No? Then we'll draw straws."

**A Short Time Later…**

"I can't believe _I_ have to stay here and baby-sit…" Mustang grumbled in annoyance. What the hell was he supposed to _do_ with two pint-sized enemies?

"Mister Roy?" Envy tugged on his shirt, "Mister Roy, I'm bored. I want to play a game."

"And I'm hungry," Scar added, "Mister Roy, can I have a cookie?"

"Aarrgh…" Mustang sighed and hung his head, "No, you can't have a cookie. And no, I'm not playing any games with either of you."

"Why?" they chorused.

"There aren't any cookies around here, and it is _far_ beneath my dignity to play with children."

"Why?"

**Five minutes later…**

"Why?"

"AAAAAARRRGH!" Mustang snapped. Out came the gloves, and he only just managed to divert his aim from Scar and Envy to a hapless fake tree sitting in a corner before snapping. FWOOSH went the fake tree.

"Wow! Do it again! Do it again!" Envy jumped up and down.

"How did you do that, Mister Roy?" Scar asked, eyes wide.

"My own special kind of alchemy," Mustang answered proudly.

Scar frowned and crossed his arms, declaring loudly, "Akilmy is bad."

Mustang sighed, '_Well, he's definitely Scar…_'

* * *

Meanwhile, everyone else was searching the city diligently for 'Eva'. They were having no luck at all. They were searching around the area where Ed and Al had found the two 'children' in the first place, when by a stroke of pure chance, a silver haired girl ran out of the alleys.

"Scar-san? Envy? Where'd you guys get off too?" she called out frantically. Ed was the one who heard her and sprinted in the direction of the yelling, the others following behind. They stopped in front of her, and she waved, "Hi, there! Have any of you seen two little mini-versions of Scar and Envy running around, perchance?"

They all gaped, before Hawkeye spoke, "Edward and Alphonse found them, and they're back at HQ. Are you Eva?"

The girl nodded, "Well…actually my name's Ieva, but I can see how you'd think it was Eva. But are they okay?"

"They're fine. Colonel Mustang is watching them," Al answered.

Ieva's eyes got all big, and she squeaked, "I don't think that's a good idea…" In her head, she was saying '_I _better_ not find that my muses have been barbequed by Mr. Snap-Happy…_'

"Why not? They won't change back, will they?" Fury looked nervous.

"Heck if I know," Ieva shrugged, "Probably not; that'd be way too easy."

"_Easy_? Are we talking about the same Scar and Envy here? How would _them_ changing back be anything _easy_?" Ed demanded.

"Oh, that's right. You guys don't like them. Silly me, forgetting like that," Ieva smiled, "But, see, I _want_ them to be changed back. It's kind of imperative, really. It was only an accident that they got chibified in the first place. Envy went and fired a ray gun while it was still pointing at them, the silly."

Everyone else blinked.

"Oh, whoops, I'm being confusing again, aren't I?" Ieva rubbed the back of her head, "Anyway, can I have them back now?"

* * *

The group had been quite happy to get the pair off of their hands, and Ieva was taken back to HQ to get them. The sight that greeted them inside Mustang's office was not very pretty. Envy was sitting on top of the ceiling fan, dangling Mustang's gloves above his head. But both he and Mustang seemed to be frozen in place, staring at Scar who seemed to have just blown up a desk by accident. The little Ishbalan was poking his right arm curiously, eyes wide and confused. Then he noticed the group that had just walked in, and more importantly, who was at the front of them.

"Auntie 'Eva!" he cried happily, running over and tackling her legs, "You found us! We got lost outside, an' then Mister Al and Mister Ed found us an' Mister Ed was really mean but I like Mister Al 'cause he's nice an' gave us a ride inside his magic armor an' then we met Mister Roy an' he lights stuff on fire with akilmy but that's bad an' I told him so but he didn't listen an' guess what my right arm can turn red an' blow stuff up-"

"Scar-chan, _breathe_," Ieva interrupted, smiling widely at the adorable little display, "Envy-chan, come down from there and give 'Mister Roy' his gloves back!"

"Aaaawwww…okay…" Envy jumped down from the fan and handed Mustang his gloves. The Flame Alchemist snatched them back, shooting the little Homunculus a glare as he put them on. But Envy had already run up to Ieva, forgetting completely about his previous game, looking up at Ieva with a guilty stare, "Auntie 'Eva, are we in trouble?"

"No, you're not. It's my fault for falling asleep," she smiled at him, then sent a murderous glare at Ed, "But someone _else_ sure is in trouble…_what_ was it that I heard from Scar-chan about 'Mister Ed' being mean?"

"Uh…well…you see…" Ed stuttered. He'd never thought that he'd see someone whose scariness could rival Winry's.

"He trapped us inna box an' picked me up by my coat an' laughed at us!" Scar pointed an accusing finger at Ed.

"Yeah!" Envy agreed loudly.

Ieva's glare intensified, and from her pocket she slowly withdrew…two ordinary wooden chopsticks, "Behold, the Chopsticks of Punishment!" and rapped Ed on the head with them twice.

"OW! That _hurt_!" shouted Ed.

"Oh, but that's only the beginning, for I am a FANFIC WRITER! MUHAHAHA!" Ieva noticed everyone giving her funny looks, "Ehe…forget I said anything…C'mon now, Scar-chan, Envy-chan. Time to go."

"Okay!"

And so the trio walked back out the door, leaving everyone inside in confusion.

"What the _hell_ just happened?" Ed shouted after the door closed.

* * *

It took about twenty minutes to walk all the way back to the Studio, and the whole time Ieva was thinking about how to change Scar and Envy back to normal. Or at least, she was thinking about that with the part of her brain that wasn't occupied with watching them. When they finally got inside, she went over to where she had left the 'Chibi Ray' and began to examine it for some kind of reverse button.

"Auntie 'Eva, can we look at all your stuff?" Envy asked, looking at the pile of junk with something akin to awe.

"Yeah, sure, just don't break anything or push any buttons," Ieva replied in a distracted tone.

"Yay! Scar, come look at all this stuff! Hey, this thing looks like a ray gun!" Envy picked something up off the pile and ran over to Ieva, "Auntie 'Eva, what's this?"

With an overwhelming sense of déjà vu, Ieva took the ray gun and looked it over. It was a kind of boring beige color, and like the Chibi Ray, had a large red button on the side instead of a trigger, "Hmmm…" she said, and, aiming the gun at Envy, pushed the button. A cloud of beige smoke puffed up around where he had been standing, and from the smoke came a loud voice.

"What the hell?" Envy, restored to his normal self, waved the smoke away, "Did that ray thingy do anything to me? I don't _feel_ any different…"

"You've been a four-year-old all afternoon, Envy," Ieva stated, happy that she had a way to turn them back to normal.

"WHAT? You're kidding!"

"Nope, not kidding. The ray hit Scar-san too, and just look at him," Ieva pointed at Scar, who was gaping up at Envy.

"Envy, how'd you get so big?"

Envy's eyes widened, "You weren't kidding."

"Told you," Ieva said, firing the ray at Scar.

A few seconds later, when the fully restored Ishbalan walked out of the smoke, coughing, he looked at Ieva, "What just happened?"

"You," Envy stated, grinning, "were a four year old midget just a few seconds ago."

"What?" Scar stared blankly.

Ieva nodded, "It's true, Scar-san. You and Envy both got zapped by a ray gun and have been little chibis all afternoon. I have pictures!"

Scar paled, "I don't remember anything about _that_…"

"Oh, it was so _cute_! But, you know, I think that this incident might be a warning not to try to organize the junk pile anymore. You never know _what_ kind of wacky stuff you'll find in my mind. Even _I_ don't know most of what's in here."

"Agreed," Scar shook his head, "I have no wish for anything like this to happen again. The pile can just stay unorganized."

"What about the ray guns?" Envy asked, giving the aforementioned guns a wary glance.

Ieva shrugged, and tossed them back onto the junk pile. Within seconds they had sunk into its depths, "There. They'll be found when they're needed."

Envy gave the pile a weird look, "Ooookaaaay…Ieva, sometimes your mind scares the hell outta me."

* * *

_End Episode 06

* * *

_

**_A/N:_**_ Whoo, that was fun! I updated quick too! Oh, and everyone, I finally updated my homepage; there's a bunch of new pictures, and some of them are of chibified Scar-san and Envy! Go look, go look!  
__Scar: And if you do go look, she'd really like it if you commented in her Guestbook. You have no idea how happy that makes her.  
__Hehe__, thanks for telling them, Scar-san. You're so nice; I don't understand how anybody could think that you're evil. Anyway, time to answer my reviews._

_Anasazi Darkmoon: Squee, mini palm tree! Ah, Episode 24...my very favorite episode of all. I get all fangirly just thinking about it. X3  
MadMood: Yes, he would and he is!  
LadyRiona: Mean ole' Edo got what he deserved...my Chopsticks of Punishment really hurt. Muhahaha! I haven't seen War of the Worlds yet; I'm going to read the book first.  
Silvertails Tora: XD Nice Hughes imitation. How did your friends react to THAT?  
SoulOmenspride: Yay, thank you for liking it! I am ashamed for falling asleep on duty... -is shot- And don't worry about Scar-san and Envy; I take very good care of them.  
Darkness Shadow of Hatred: Envy plushie! Cuteness! I want to make a Scar plushie...But I don't think you should'veruffledEnvy's hair...(Envy: Urge...to kill...rising...) Oo Run faster!  
RubyAlchemist: That's what I've been telling people! But your argument is more detailed and lots longer. Kudos to you!  
TheRealInuYasha: Yay for Envy fangirls! Yah, I know he kills Ed...but he comes back to life anyway, so I didn't mind too much. I'mproud to say thatEpisode 50didn't change my opinion of Envy in the slightest (and man, does he make a cool looking dragon...)! I'm glad you think I'm a good humorwriter. :)_


	8. Fun at the Lake

**Muses O' Doom

* * *

**

_Episode 07: Fun at the Lake

* * *

_

It had been about a week since the 'Chibi Incident', and the Studio was by now fully cleaned and functional. It had taken quite an effort, after the mess that Ieva's previous muses had left the place in, but fortunately Scar and Envy were such great muses that it all evened out. The trio had gotten quite good at transposing; in other words they could create things out of thin air, but only while inside the Studio. Scar had been a bit uneasy about this at first, understandably, until Ieva had assured him that they weren't really _creating_ it, but more like 'summoning' it out of the junk pile. One aspect of this that Envy particularly enjoyed was that Ieva could bring in things from her universe for them…namely food. Even though Envy technically isn't required to eat, he liked the way the food tasted. Although there was one incident where Scar, unknowing of the consequences, had eaten four whole boxes of Pocky at once and had soon afterwards become so incredibly hyper that he had run around the room with a gigantic smile on his face, his right arm crackling with red light, and going 'WHEEEEEEE!'. That one had taken a while to sort out, especially since after the shock of seeing this had worn off, both Ieva and Envy had been laughing so hard that they could barely move. Anyway, back to the present.

Ieva ran out of her room, stopping in front of Scar and Envy, "Hey you guys, guess what! I think I've figured out how to do something really, really cool!" she was practically hopping, she was so excited.

"What?" Envy asked curiously.

"Y'know how I can transpose stuff from my universe here? Well, I think I can transpose you guys from here into my universe the same way!"

"Really?" Scar sounded interested. He didn't question how this worked; he'd given up on trying to figure stuff like that out.

"Will there be more of that 'pizza' stuff you brought here the other day?" Envy's eyes shone at the prospect.

Ieva grinned, "Oh, there will definitely be pizza."

"Then count me in!"

"Okay," Ieva smiled and began explaining, "Just close your eyes; I'm the one who has to do it."

They closed their eyes. About a minute passed, at which point Envy spoke up, "Ieva, we're ready…"

"We've been here for about thirty seconds, Envy. I was waiting to see if one of you would notice, but I guess not."

They opened their eyes to see that, rather than being in the Studio, they were standing in the middle of a slightly messy bedroom. Ieva was looking the same as she always did, which surprised them both slightly. They thought that they remembered her saying that she looked different in her own universe.

Ieva sighed, "Yeah, I know. Looks like I can't actually bring you to my actual universe, but I did kind of bring you halfway. This place is exactly like my universe, only it's imaginary. I don't really know how to explain it…but at least here, my parents won't completely flip when they see you."

"Okay…" Scar blinked, not quite getting it but figuring that he didn't need to.

"Where's the pizza?" Envy questioned, looking around the room.

Ieva laughed, "I need to order it first, Envy. No instant transposing here, I'm afraid. I'll be right back, so you guys just stay here."

**Several Minutes Later…**

Ieva walked back into the room to see a rather amusing sight. Envy's hair was being attacked by an incredibly obese brown and black tabby, while two other cats rubbed against Scar's ankles, mewing insistently. Neither muse seemed to know quite what to do, and the looks on their faces were so comical that Ieva began to laugh uncontrollably.

"Well, my cats like you guys. That's a good sign," she grinned and went over to the cat that was attacking Envy's hair, picking it up and cuddling it, "Lightning, you silly, Envy's hair isn't a toy! Oh, and Scar-san, they want you to pet them!" she called over to the confused Ishbalan, "And my parents say that it's fine if you both stay for a bit. Especially for tomorrow."

Scar looked up from the cats, "Why? What happens tomorrow?"

"We're going waterskiing tomorrow! And all sorts of other fun activities that entail being dragged across a big lake by a speeding boat!" Ieva beamed.

Scar visibly paled, and his eyes got all big, "W-what? Ieva, you _know_ I can't swim!"

"You've been getting lessons, though."

"I've _barely_ learned to float on my back!"

"Oh, it'll be fine, Scar-san. We'll all be wearing life jackets," Ieva smiled. Before Scar could protest further, the doorbell rang, "Oh, that'll be the pizza! I'll go get it!" and she ran off again, coming back with the wonderful, wonderful food. Envy practically dove on the box, opening it quickly and beginning to almost inhale the contents.

"Envy, leave some for us too! If you're not careful, I'm going to have to start calling you Gluttony…" Ieva scolded playfully.

"Eh," Envy shrugged and pushed the box over so that it was reachable.

Ieva got a piece and grinned excitedly, "Anyway, so this is going to be really fun! I've never been before, but my brothers have and they say it is."

Scar still looked a bit nervous, "I'm going to die…"

"Awww, you'll be fine, Scar-san."

* * *

The next day dawned bright and sunny. After a brief scramble to find swim trunks to fit both Scar and Envy, they all piled into the car. 'They' included Ieva, Scar, Envy, Ieva's dad, and the two oldest of Ieva's little brothers. After about a twenty-five minute car trip, during which Scar and Envy were especially fascinated by both the car itself and all the tall office buildings they were passing, they arrived at the lake. They checked in at the registration desk and were led to the rental boat.

Scar noticed a large, colorful, floating disk attached to the back and questioned curiously, "What is that?"

"Oh, that's for tubing, Scar-san. We're doing that first, I think. I've never done it, but I've heard that it's fun," Ieva smiled, then went to talk to her dad about something. Less than a minute later she returned, with a slightly horrified expression on her face.

"What's the matter?" Envy asked.

Ieva looked up at him, "All we have is Coppertone sunscreen. I'm _allergic_ to Coppertone sunscreen," her tone turned frantic, "I'm going to burn like a lobster if I don't wear sunscreen!"

"Hahahahahaha! Loser!" the older of Ieva's brothers, Stephen, cackled and pointed. Even though he was two years younger than Ieva, he was about half a foot taller than her. She held firmly to the claim that he was the most obnoxious being on the planet.

She glared at him, "Shut up, Greed."

Envy's head swung around, "Greed? Where?"

"Oh, no, not the real Greed. I just call him that, 'cause I'm crazy and go around naming people after characters that I think fit them. Like, Alex over there is Mustang," she pointed to her other brother, who was short and actually did kinda look like a mini-Mustang, only cuter and more puppyish.

"So who are you?" Scar asked while digging through a large crate of life jackets, looking for one that would fit him.

"I'm you. Don't ask me why; I don't quite know myself. My friends just started calling me Scar," she shrugged and went to get her own life jacket. It wasn't long before the group was in the boat and on their way. Then, once they were out of the No Wake zone, Ieva's dad gunned the motor. The look of surprised terror on Scar's face was absolutely priceless. Eventually they got out into the main part of the lake; since it was so early in the morning, they were they only boat out there.

"Okay, so we're going first!" Ieva said happily, jumping into the water and starting to pull the 'tube' away from the boat. Envy jumped in to help, but Scar hung back, staring at the water with more than a little trepidation…until Stephen gave an evil grin and shoved him over the side. In his surprise, Scar accidentally inhaled some lake water and spent about a minute coughing while Ieva shouted dire threats at her brother. Eventually though, the three of them managed to get on the tube, with Scar on the left, Ieva in the middle, and Envy on the right.

"So, what exactly do we do now?" Scar questioned.

"We hang on, and the people in the boat do everything in their power to fling us into the lake," Ieva replied.

"WHAT?" Scar's eyes got all big, but it was too late to get off now. Ieva's dad gunned the motor again, and the ride began.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" went Ieva.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" went Envy.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" went Scar.

Ieva looked over at Envy, then looked over at Scar, then looked back over at Envy…and Envy wasn't there anymore. Then the tube hit the edge of the wake, and since it was now overbalanced, it flipped into the air, sending both Scar and Ieva flying. All this happened in less than a second. Ieva and Envy paddled over to Scar, who was looking after the boat that was fast moving away as though leaving them stranded in the middle of the lake.

"Why aren't they coming back?" he said with a quiet kind of nervousness.

Ieva patted his shoulder reassuringly, "Don't worry, they'll turn around in a second and come back for us."

She didn't notice as Envy slowly swam up behind her with an evil grin on his face until it was too late and he'd pounced on her and dunked her head under the water with a loud, "Ha!"

She came up spluttering before turning around to see the Homunculus swimming away as fast as he could, "Envy you are so going to get it!" she waved her fist, and thus a chase began, eventually degenerating into a splash-fight between the two of them. Scar sighed and climbed onto the boat, which had by this time come back.

After a few more tubing rounds with various combinations of people, although Scar flatly refused to go again, it was time…to water-ski. Ieva's brothers went first, one after the other, and it was quite amusing to watch them attempt to stand up. Then it was her turn, and after about ten minutes chasing one of her skis while wearing the other one, she finally managed to get them both on and grab hold of the rope. She actually did get up on the skis for about five seconds before leaning too far forward and basically winding up in a headstand position. Everyone else was amused. She was not. Then Envy went, and he did better than everyone so far; he actually managed to stay on for about half a minute before the tube attached to the back of the boat ran into the rope, jerking it and sending the unfortunate Homunculus flying through the air. Then it was Scar's turn; he did well getting the skis on and standing up, but when he fell over he didn't let go of the rope.

Ieva, who was spotting for him, waved her arms and shouted, "Scar-san! Let go! Let go of the rope!"

But apparently she wasn't heard, as Scar continued to cling to the rope as though his life depended on it. Now, one of the main reasons why one is not supposed to do this is because being dragged over the surface of a lake at high speeds is very painful. Fortunately the boat stopped fairly quickly, and the rope was pulled in with poor Scar _still_ attached.

"I am _never_ doing that again, _ever_," he gasped out once he was back on the boat.

It was then generally decided that they were done for the day, and so after going back and retrieving the skis from the lake where they had fallen off Scar's feet, they drove the boat back to the marina and turned in all the rental stuff. Another car trip later and they were back at Ieva's house.

"Can we go back to the Studio now?" Scar asked Ieva, who was currently having fun blow-drying Envy's hair. True to her prediction, she also had quite a sunburn and was covered in aloe lotion.

"Yeah, sure, I'm almost done," she replied distractedly. Fifteen minutes later she'd finally finished, and soon the trio was back inside the Studio. She turned to them happily, "Didn't I tell you we'd have fun?"

* * *

**Meanwhile, in a forest near Dublith…**

A bright light flashed, and when it was gone there was a large Horde of angry-looking teenage girls standing where there previously wasn't. They were muttering amongst themselves, and as one they moved towards a large, Victorian style house standing in a clearing. Out of the house walked an old, grandmother-like woman, who stared at the Horde of girls curiously.

One of them spoke up, "Do you know where we can find a person named Dante?"

"That's me, dear," she smiled the kind of smile that looks nice at first, but at second glance really isn't very nice at all.

All of a sudden Dante found herself being chased through the forest by over a hundred screaming, psychotic girls, all shouting as one, "KILL DANTE!"

Don't feel sorry for her.

* * *

_End Episode 07

* * *

****__A/N:__ I'm so sorry this took so long! This is kinda low-priority compared to my other stuff…-sweatdrop- I hope you all enjoyed it! And yes, this did actually happen over the summer…well, most of it anyway.  
__Envy: Don't forget to tell them about the Halloween thing!  
__Oh, right. Ahem…since these take a while to write, I don't know if there will be another one (there probably will, but maybe not) in between now and the Halloween special that I've been planning, so I'll announce this now. Because I love you all, anyone who wants will get a (very) brief cameo in that episode (and it will actually happen this time)! Scar-san, Envy, and I will be trick-or-treating, and I'm thinking that we can run into other people like you guys while we're running around in the dark. So, if you want to be in it, just post what you want to be dressed up as (preferably with detail), and if you want to be with anyone else (for instance, if you have muses of your own, other than Scar-san or Envy).  
__Scar: And the thing about me not being able to swim…that concept is part of Ieva's own little fanon. She doesn't know if it actually is canon, but she thinks it makes sense.  
__Yeah. Anywho, for anyone who doesn't already know, there's a stupid new rule about not being able to answer reviews, so I can't. Please do keep reviewing though, because I love getting them so incredibly much. If you want to ask a question or you want an answer or something, you can always email me!_


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